PlanetCatfish.com

I know 2
A married man says to his friend. My wife is real scottish! Yesterday she has made a water-change and today we eat fishsoup.

A public-servant buys a tank with fish and all you need. After one week he gives all things back?
The shopkeeper asks: doesnt it work?
The public-servant answer: it works but the fish brang to much restlessness in my office.

I´t is translated from german to english, but I hope you understand them.

It could be dangerous making Scottish jokes on this website....

hmmm, that sounds a bit fishy..................

Chrysichthys wrote:It could be dangerous making Scottish jokes on this website....

Don't worry, I have a few German ones.

Jools

Did you hear the one about the catfish holding up the bank?

Jools

still haven't but waiting with... baited....breath.

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

This thread could turn out to be one of the worst ever....

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

(Hint: I think it was/is a Tommy Cooper joke)

Edit:

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

torbanite wrote:Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

(Hint: I think it was/is a Tommy Cooper joke)

A FSH!!!!!

OMG, mine isn't so bad..

Why is the top of the tank glass so clean? Because Otocinclus.

Richard B wrote:
A FSH!!!!!

Correct! Your turn.
Oh wait, that's the other thread.

Jools wrote:Did you hear the one about the catfish holding up the bank?

Jools

It made off with ten grand on a motorpike and a sidecarp.

Jools

Frankly Scallop, I don't give a clam.

Another Cooperism..

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Jools wrote:

Chrysichthys wrote:It could be dangerous making Scottish jokes on this website....

Don't worry, I have a few German ones.

Jools

...So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

Och well. It beats watching telly.

Martin

It should be a fish jokes, but that doesnt matter.

Does anyone remember that thread about the pet psychic who could channel catfish?

L number Banana wrote:still haven't but waiting with... baited....breath.

I caught a trout so big, it's shadow weighed 5 lb.s.

Or this one that circulated around West Yellowstone, MT.
An old Indian proverb:
He who catchum big fish does not take back alley home.

Same vein:
There are old waders and bold waders but there are no old bold waders.

A new twist to an old joke:
What's the difference between a catfish and a banker?

One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Here lies a catfish called Jim,
Who though nice was astoundingly dim,
Took the heater for food,
Chewed as hard as he could,
With results that he found somewhat grim.

hi all
almost a fish joke
i went to a restraunt last night and ordered the frogs legs .but i had to send them back .they kept kicking the peas of the plate
flash

Women v's Game Warden

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn;
the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
"Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the
irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment ..."


Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

My favourite Cory is "Minkha",
At times she's a right little tinker,
When she's heavy with roe,
She yells "Right boys, let's go!",
We all fall for her - hook line and sinker!

(with Apologies to Edward Lear).

P.S. welcome to PC elianna.

Okay here's my poem....with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston....not a joke but I was bored trying to do anagrams (Who Am I thread) that I had no business even attempting

Twas the night before catfish and all through the house
Not a fishie was stirring not even a mouse

The heaters were hung in the tanks with great care
In hopes that the fish guy would soon be there,

The keepers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Madtoms danced in their heads,

The alarm sounded early, we jumped up and out,
Today was the day to end the fish drought,

When out in the drive, there came such a clatter,
I sprang from my coffee to see the Mad Catter,

I flew to the door and opened it wide,
And greeted the sight with tears in my eyes,

Before my red eyes, there did appear
A blue mini-van with aquarium gear,

With baggies of fish, all lively and fat,
I knew in a moment, there was my cats,

One by one in their baggies, out they all came,
He checked them for health and called them by name,

A Whippy, a Twiggy, an Oto and more,
A Syno, a Squeaker, and Banjos galore!

He came up the porch and in through the door,
His hands full of fish, his box held some more,

He dressed like a fisher, from his head to his feet,
His clothes were all smelly from wading too deep,

He spoke not a word but went to his work,
He QT'd the fish and turned with a smirk,

And laying his hands deep inside the white box,
He pulled out a fish that gave me a shock,

It was perfect in form and made me quite numb,
It was

I heard him exclaim as he laughed at my tank,
Happy Catfish to all and to all larger tanks!

Now that is a work of genius,

Jools

That one should be saved...maybe in the fun stuff area

Birger

I agree. It makes me happy to see work like this on my question task.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream the ocean would be loud as s**t. You would not wanna submerge your head. Nothing but fish goin ' Ah Damn....... I thought I looked like that rock.'

- Mitch Hedberg

Thanks Jools, Birger, fischkringli,

It would be much better if the pictures came up over the word links. MatsP told me how to link words but the pictures/cat-elog page would be more fun. Like the tigrinum link? Jools could do that?

Of course you could use it if you wanted to

See what those nasty anagrams do to my head

FYI the hover over works with family, i.e. , species, i.e. and as you know, full names, i.e. , but am sure it won't work for common names.
Now, had you used or , instead of Banjos and Ottos, they would have worked...but it wouldn't have been the brilliant poem it is, so glad you didn't
HTH
Martin

You're right, Martin, full names would take away from the bounce. And it was hard enough to rhyme the last fish