Fiancée not understanding me liking fish.

knifegill · Post by **knifegill** » 07 Dec 2006, 04:13

My lovely Nicole is confounded by the hobby. She wants me to be happy, but I want her to be happy. She won't say she wants me to get rid of the fish, but if you'd seen the furrows in her brow as I test-filled my "new" 180 gallon aquarium in the basement, you'd have questions, too!
Any other semi-disapproving significant others out there? How did you resolve things? Did you resolve things?
How serious of a fishkeeper are you (if you have anything to say, that is)?

syno321 · Post by **syno321** » 07 Dec 2006, 06:02

I'd try to find out what her concerns are with respect to your hobby involvement. Perhaps all she needs is a little more info to assuade her concerns. Help her understand your passion for the hobby, and try to involve her in it. Don't ask her to do maintenance, unless you've got big brass ones. ( let her feed the fish )

knifegill · Post by **knifegill** » 07 Dec 2006, 06:26

She's concerned about money and time.
She doesn't like feeding fish because it was a childhood chore.
She only does a rare vacuum of her 7gal bowfront when I'm unable to or when she knows it will buy us more time together.
She really doesn't want to be involved in it because she does not appreciate fish in any way.
She made efforts to be interested but just can't enjoy it. I think she sees it as competition against her for my time and effort, but I've tried to slim down on quantity and difficulty (no special needs fish, just frozen, flake and veggie babies), though I really don't feel well with less than five tanks. I had eleven when we got close and I cut back to four or five for a little while, but there are still so many fish I haven't kept and I've got a monster Adonis growing in my 75 who is my best reason to get a tropical pond (or convert a hot tub).
And I love her and would eat my fish if she wanted me to but I hate to be too spineless when it's about something I love so much. Argh!
Really, advice is good, though hopefully someone who has gone through this can help me...

racoll · Post by **racoll** » 07 Dec 2006, 08:38

I feel for you knifegill.

My girlfriend resents the fish insanely. She is jealous of the time and care I lavish on something that "gives nothing back".

I am banned from any more than two tanks.

She tuts every time she sees me on Planet Catfish, and I now have to deftly switch windows if she is in the area.

We used to go to the LFS together and choose fish, but she just got embarrassed when I would blabber for hours to anyone that would listen to be.

The only advice I can give is: if you think you may be pushing it with her, you probably are, so back off a bit. But always be a man and never back down, otherwise your tanks will vanish one by one!

Also check this post out....

http://www.planetcatfish.com/forum/view ... girlfriend

racoll · Post by **racoll** » 07 Dec 2006, 08:58

Also, I find it helps to reassure her with "its just what men do". They get obsessive about their hobby/pastime/sport.

Tell her if it wasn't fish it would be cars, or football, or computer gaming, or rock bands, or the gym, or drink etc etc etc.

Its what lets them escape the tedium of their relationship and life. (OK, don't tell her that bit!)

MatsP · Post by **MatsP** » 07 Dec 2006, 10:31

You could always take up motorcycling instead...

--
Mats

Dawg57 · Post by **Dawg57** » 07 Dec 2006, 16:40

My wife was the same way. She hated all the fish tanks until some of her friends came over and commented on how nice they were. As long as I keep them looking good she is happy. To her they are not fish, they are a just a part of her home decor.

Post by **Marc van Arc** » 07 Dec 2006, 17:22

Every time you buy new fishes bring her some nice flowers. She may encourage you to buy fish more often

Post by **Barbie** » 07 Dec 2006, 17:26

You have a healthy hobby that keeps you home, not out on a golf course, hunting with your buddies, or better yet, in the bar! It's cheaper than boating, fast cars, or even radio controlled "toys" and again, you're always there WITH her while you mess with something that you really enjoy. This is like a constant theme on the boards and I always have the same answer. I have two ex's that had exactly that same attitude. One limited me to 3 tanks and by the time I got to 18 he just wore me down and I didn't want to listen to it anymore so I got rid of HIM. Not the tanks

. He changed his mind when I told him I was leaving, but by then, I just wasn't able to forgive him for it all.

Basically if your significant other has no hobbies and is so totally focussed on you that they feel you also should ONLY devote attention to them, they need counselling, or at best, a reality check. You could have WAY worse hobbies ;). Then again, I guess not everyone has fishues to quite the extent that I did. It was never any contest for me. Then again, now that I'm married to the most wonderful hubby ever, I'd consider giving up tanks if I had to, but I don't, because he'll never make me ;).

Barbie

grokefish · Post by **grokefish** » 08 Dec 2006, 05:42

Basically if your significant other has no hobbies

People with no interests have something missing.
This is a very important fact to understand.
They are a different kind of person.
They will never understand.
Women often fall into this catagory.
Before you all start shouting girls, just remember that the fact that you are reading this you have already proved that you are an interesting person with more than just shopping and gossip on your mind, a very rare kind of lady, sort of like a precious gem stone, a beutifull saphire in a pile of pebbles (do you think that got me off the hook guys?)

Analyse how much time/money you spend on your fish if it seems reasonable to you, then it is reasonable.
Remember, it's your time,(I don't know if it is your money) you only have one go on this planet (that you can remember anyway) and you should live it to the full, that includes making yourself happy as well as other people, after all, partners that complain you don't spend enough time on them are selfishly thinking about making themselves happy.
I'm lucky, my girly, likes the fish, which is a good thing as she has to change the water when I am working away and I have appx 3000l water in various tanks, and since the Uarus have breed she is hooked, have you seen how cute baby Uaru are?
Try and explain what it is about keeping fish that makes you happy, she may not have really thought about it . People that are not into fish often see just the tank and not the carefully created and maintained world inside.
Don't lose sight of the fact that she is 'your lovely Nicole' though, after all they are only fish.
Good work Barbie giving that guy the good news, people that try to control other peoples lives and how they live them are selfish individuals that should be fed to the sharks.

Hey racoll your girlfriend and my girlfriend had better hope we never meet in an LFS- they'll never get us out of there!

Gozza · Post by **Gozza** » 08 Dec 2006, 13:11

Similar thing happened to me, although my main problem was she wanted to eat my fish! my shrimps in particular... obviously I wasnt going to let that happen although I am slighly nervous when she nears the tank. Then she annouced she wanted a dog, I personlly cant stand them, but we discussed it and i can keep my fish, she won't try to eat them and she gets a dog. so now everyones happy, I think. The only thing thats gets me now is the habit of giving all the fish names Like Mr Cool the khulli Loach. odd.

George · Post by **George** » 11 Dec 2006, 00:04

I remember the bumper sticker I saw in Florida when I lived there - "My wife said I was going to have to choose between her and Bass Fishing. I'm going to miss that woman."

On a more personal note - Once my wife said something to the effect of - "You care more about your fish than you do me, don't you?"

Being a caring husband I replied honestly - "Not all of them."

Sorry but that's how I feel about it.

Doesn't help much, does it? Sorry and hope you work it out.

George

24tropheus · Post by **24tropheus** » 11 Dec 2006, 10:22

You have intorests in common dont you?
She has intorests that leave you cold I bet?
You have an intorest that leaves her cold.

Blokes NEED hobbies.

Wheres the problem?

dag · Post by **dag** » 13 Dec 2006, 01:08

Hey , everyone (male and female) has hobbies . I am totally with Barbie on this one . You could be doing something else that keeps you out of the house . I think that would make her less happy . Doesnt she have hobbies herself ? Sounds more like a jealousy thing where any attention you give another creature doesnt work for your girlfriend . Good luck with that , I dont envy you .

Vargur · Post by **Vargur** » 13 Dec 2006, 16:49

My whife has a few problems with the 18 tanks I have. What I do is I talk a lot about how the tanks make me happy and let her see my happyness with the fish.

Charly EON · Post by **Charly EON** » 21 Dec 2006, 00:15

Charming post Knifegill !!

Instead of taking care of aquarium fishes suggest to your girlfriend that your new hobby could be expensive sportscar driving, watching football games every night while drinking beer or even better chasing girls in nightclubs every saturday night. I guarantee she will suddenly love your fishes ....

Good luck !!

Charly 1 wife, 3 kids & 100 aquariums (and "she" takes care of all of them )

Post by **Dinyar** » 21 Dec 2006, 00:40

As George Orwell's 1939 novel "Coming Up for Air" put it: "If you gave me the choice of having any woman you care to name, but I mean any woman, or catching a ten-pound carp, the carp would win every time."

Gozza · Post by **Gozza** » 21 Dec 2006, 11:09

Charley Eons right. Take up motorbike ridding and any problems associated with keeping fish pales into insignificance!

MatsP · Post by **MatsP** » 21 Dec 2006, 12:39

Gozza wrote:Charley Eons right. Take up motorbike ridding and any problems associated with keeping fish pales into insignificance!

Technically, I think you'll find that I have prior art on that suggestion...

--
Mats

butterfly · Post by **butterfly** » 21 Dec 2006, 14:56

I had a similar problem. My husband would say things like "You work hard all day how can you stand to come home and "work" in the tanks everynight?" I have 17 tanks and yes I piddle in them every night. His concern was that I was turning it into work. Translated into when's my time? So I started to do the things that take chunks of time (water changes) When he was gone pursueing his hobbies. Yes we've been married 40 yrs and we do have some seperate hobbies!
Then the BN's spawned and he was captured by the tiny little fish sucking to the side of the tank. Thenhe saw Multis (shell dwellers) and had to have some

Then he was introduced to aquarium club auctions (hehehe) now he's breeding six different strains of guppies and very rarely complains about the time I spend with the fish. I have really bad arthritis in my hands and that warm fishie water feels so good and he sees that benefit also.
So hang in there, don't make it a battle ground, make sure she gets some quality time, and enjoy your fish

Carol

Post by **Shane** » 21 Dec 2006, 19:36

She's concerned about money and time.

That is a no brainer. Many folks above made the point that fishkeeping keeps you home. Most other hobbies that my friends have take them away from home (Golf, 4X4s, fly fishing, etc). As far as money goes, this hobby is cheap. I know guys that drop more money on their golf hobby in a year than I have spent in all my time as an aquarist. A cheap round of golf is around $100 a Saturday. That is like buying a new 55 gallon every weekend. Throw in the cost of golf clubs, lessons, travel, etc and you have paid for a fishroom and a couple of annual trips to the Amazon to collect fishes.
My sister and her husband ride alot. They have "his and hers" trucks because they each pull their own trailer with their own horses. The trucks and trailers alone were over $100,000 and we have not counted the cost of buying a small ranch on which to keep the horses (approx $500,000 vs. the cost of a fishroom... less than $2,000), tack, feed, hay, grain, vet bills, etc, etc.
As I said, this hobby is cheap.

She doesn't like feeding fish because it was a childhood chore.

Fair enough. Do not make her feed. It is your hobby.

-Shane
PS Barbie and George, love the comments.

hellocatfish · Post by **hellocatfish** » 21 Dec 2006, 21:21

My husband has been very supportive of my various hobbies and interests even though some have been expensive and/or time consuming. I do my best to return the favor. Even if we don't always enjoy or understand each other's interests, we make an effort to share some time or money promoting each other's efforts. It's because over time, we've come to realize that while hobbies can't take the place of a significant other, a significant other can't take the place of hobbies/interests, either. You kind of need hobbies to stay sane! So it's wise to help each other make room in our lives for BOTH--each other and our crazy hobbies. But we didn't get this way overnight.

We've been together as a couple for 19 years and been married for 10 years. Over the years we have subjected each other to some very selfish, immature, unreasonable, and insecure behavior as we grew as individuals and as a couple. I still have a note I passed to my husband in one of our college classes almost 2 decades ago in which I declared we should break up because we were not compatible because we did not like the same brand of spaghetti sauce!

I thought that note would seriously make him declare okay, he would start eating the same spaghetti sauce I liked! What an idiot! But who isn't an idiot at some point in their lives?

I was 20 when I wrote that. Obviously, I had a lot of issues to work through! And trust me, my husband has done his share of changing me around to suit his preferences, too. The thing is, the changes made like that never "take". For awhile maybe, but the real person will come out eventually...or become miserable and bitter and possibly passive-aggressive. We've been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt.

People sometimes think that the restrictions or demands they are imposing on another person are reasonable. It takes a lot of discussion, sometimes some serious patience and tolerance, to work to the point where both parties feel their feelings are being fairly considered. However, the effort has to be made.

If you're starting to feel seriously stifled by your fiancee's eyebrow wiggles of disapproval, you need to let her know how uncomfortable it's making you, and let her know the concessions you've already made to her feelings.

Good luck! A relationship is always a work-in-process. That's the pain in the neck of it, but it's also what makes life interesting.

Post by **Marc van Arc** » 24 Dec 2006, 18:48

MatsP wrote:You could always take up motorcycling instead

Mats et al,
I don't get your point. There's nothing wrong with motorcycling, is there?

Bas Pels · Post by **Bas Pels** » 24 Dec 2006, 22:03

As long as I don't have to join you, go ahead.

However ,when you are on your motor, you are away, and most girlfriends / wives don't appreciate that - so I've heard

thus you better have fishes, and stay home, with her

Post by **Marc van Arc** » 24 Dec 2006, 22:41

That's why most bikes have a buddy seat, so you can take your wife along.
That is, if she's your buddy. Otherwise take a girlfriend along, preferably one who loves fishes

bronzefry · Post by **bronzefry** » 25 Dec 2006, 14:25

When you get down to it, breathing costs money.

I have (9) tanks now. Some of us females understand, grokefish. Nice work, butterfly!

Amanda

knifegill · Post by **knifegill** » 26 Dec 2006, 06:35

Hi, everyone. Thanks for all of your support. She reads along with me and it's given us things to discuss. I can't help but wonder if there's an anti-thesis to this, another 'right'. I mean, asking this question here, I should have expected support. Where might I play devil's advocate to my own case? I doubt there is an anti-hobby ring anywhere which vows to suffocation by way of boredom. And I really do need a hobby. As an ex-drunk, I know where idle time gets me. But what if that idle time were filled with more 'living'? I'd probably go nuts. I've barely got time for my fish as it is! Every night is packed with some 'good' social event. Monday, dinner with Fiancee's parents. Tuesday, Bible study. Wednesday, Worship band practice. Thursday, Water changes and whatever else comes up. Friday, the day I keep open with my pinky toenail for whoever or whatever else rears its head and needs attention. The weekends were full of church, but I'm getting half of Sunday back, so that's going to help.

I guess I just wasn't ready for this non-stop disco. I used to sit and watch flowers bloom. It was so great. Or I'd sit for hours with a piece of bread in my hand hoping one of the squirrels would take a bite. I walked everywhere and played my guitar for strangers who'd request songs I'd never heard.
This whole life thing is already wearing me thin. Whoever said "Get a life" was obviously confused.

Bas Pels · Post by **Bas Pels** » 26 Dec 2006, 09:15

As you, I like to enjoy what happens when relaxing. On saturdays I used to take 30 minutes to lace my shoes - watching my fishes.

However, being single, I do not have somebody I must (or should) please around, so I can life my own way.

I always thought 'get a life' meant 'spent time differntly than working' - the way YOU want it, not the way somebody else wants it.

I would not survive your 'disco' a month

sidguppy · Post by **sidguppy** » 26 Dec 2006, 12:39

Knifegill, if it's already wearing you thin (it would wear me out allright), you DO know you're going to change the whole thing, or it'll "crash around your ears" sooner or later.

looks like you got into religion in some serious way. all's well and good, but don't loose your head

replacing one addiction with another one usually drives people up the wall in the end.

relaxing is the way to go, no disrespect intended btw

me, I don't have to worry about fiancee's; I say if there's one thing I'm not good at it's relationships.
women I like just fine, it's the relationship thing that drives me berserk. let alone "family in law" and all that. nah

none of my girlfriends ever took offense on me being a fishnutter, the snakes and the tarantula's create more interesting problems, let alone my pet roaches.

bronzefry · Post by **bronzefry** » 29 Dec 2006, 14:01

knifegill,
You sound a bit "over-scheduled", eh? No time to watch the flowers bloom or enjoy the fishies swimming?
Amanda

Fiancée not understanding me liking fish.

FiancÃ©e not understanding me liking fish.

fiancee